I miss you :)

I greatly miss someone right now. Someone dear and close to me. Someone whom i care for a lot. Someone I like. I miss this person, but circumstances says we can't talk nor see each other.

It's hard. Liking someone who is so close to you; but to keep the relationship, emotions must lie low and slow down for its own good. It's tough. It's insanely hard. Everyday seems to be too long to cope up with, but then, the thing that pushes me to go on, is that, this is happening for the better good.

Liking someone is beautiful; but going over the boundaries is dangerous. But fret not. There is still hope when boundaries are crossed. This is one solution. To kill that fire of being too close too soon. To kill the fire is to stop feeding the fire, to stop feeding the fire is to stop communication. It's hard, but it's doable.

I want to give up at times already, but one thing that is helping me the most is my God. . :) I pour out everything to Him and that helps me release. Telling God how much i miss him and all those things. Talking to God about my emotions, actually drew me closer to Him. :) I find it quite amazing. I never thought I'd be able to share these kinds of things to God. :)

Another thing that helps me not give up is. . I know he's doing his side as well. It's fair, we're fighting the same fight. For us to actually achieve this 'self-control' is to push through this no-communication for awhile. it's hard, it's tough, but it's the right thing to do.

Whoever said it'll be a blissful road? Doing the right thing always requires a lot of sacrifice, but then, the blessings are insanely great as well. :) I know that once we talk again, it'll be better and be handled in a more mature way - Keeping the relationship the way God intended it to be. I mean. . this relationship is here anyway, for God Himself. :) This relationship is here to build us both for the glory of God alone. :)

PS

About my last post? All those were lies. . I know i can have a good relationship with a man in the future. It's a lie that i don't have hope; and on top of it all, it doesn't suck to be me. . . :) God is helping me grow to become the lady He wants me to be, so that i may share my learnings to all those ladies who are confused as well. . :) My dreams are not shattered. I know that I will still get married in the future. I know myself. I cannot live alone. :) Only God knows what's best for me. :) I'm happy to be on the right track. :)

It'll never work out

I'm starting to guess that I won't get married anymore. I don't even want to engage in any relationship anymore. . Time to hide all those relational books now, because they're useless already. . I can't stay with any guy. Any guy will get tired of me. I even get tired of myself. I want to serve my future husband, i really really do. . but with my personalty right now? I don't ever think I'd be able to build the right habits and the right foundations.

I'll make any guy stay with me suffer. I'm too sensitive in everything. Yeah at first it be fine. But as years go by, i know I'd be left behind. I just know it. I know myself, if i get tired of myself, how much more of others?. . I will never grow old with a man. . Whenever i see couples or old people? I just want to cry. . it's something i've always looked forward when i was a little kid. Now reality strikes and wakes me up from my delusions. I can never have that. . It sucks being me. ;p

I give up. I don't want to make someone's life worsen because of me; especially if i love him. I am just not worth the girl anymore. I'll never be someone who can make a man happy. In the beginning yes i can, but later on i won't be. Some blessings turn into a curse. I know myself, i know that i cannot be a blessing for long.

I give up on relationships. I haven't engaged on them yet, but i already know that i'd fail. I don't want anything that's more than friendship. I don't want to have a boyfriend. I'd settle on my own self. I'm going back to my comfort zone, my mangas. There I can satisfy my emotional needs by reading other people's happy love stories.

I'll just never get a good love story. My gosh, I will pity my future boyfriend. I'd rather not have one, i don't want to make anyone suffer because of me. I've already made too many people suffer because of me. Enough is enough. I can't die, so i'll live just to lessen more hurts. But if only i can run away and fade away.

I don't care anymore. I can never be a good partner. I will always be a burden. I just suck. Mangas mangas, i'll soon buy lots of you from now on. I can't love any man. I'll just ruin his life. I deserve to be alone, so i wont hurt anyone. There's no use in talking anymore. I've decided. I don't want a man in my life. Goodbye childhood dreams. It's time to have a good career and find a cat that's like garfield.

Hope

My identity is not of mine. It's in God. :)

I have no right to say all of those negative things. They're not true. . God made me the way I am. :) He made me beautiful, smart and lovingly sweet. It's time to see myself in God's lenses. I am created perfectly the way I am, I shouldn't look down on my self. God loves me the way I am now, and that will never ever change. No matter how much i sin or how much i fail . . He will never stop loving me. . and because I love Him, I will do everything to make Him happy. To keep His Word, His Law. . I will surely sin less and start loving Him more in purity and in all sincerity. :)

I'm proud to say that I'm a Christian, a princess of God. :)

Me

I'm lame.

I'm stupid.

I don't listen at all.

I don't know how to live life.

I am very irresponsible.

I corrupt people.

I am not a good influence.

I lie.

I'm not real.

I'm a disappointment.

I don't get things done.

I'll never change.

I'l never understand how to think of others.

I'm selfish.

I'm VERY selfish.

I'm conceited.

I'm lazy.

I'm Incompetent.

I betray people.

I gossip and slander.

I'm way lower that imperfection.

I will never ever be who I am.

I want to fade.

I'll never be a blessing.

I'll never be a good person.

I feel like if i disappear, i less evil will disappear.

I'm vain.

I'm lame.

I'm crappy.

I always make the wrong choices.

I'm insanely fragile.

I'm insanely sensitive.

I have insane mood swings.

I'm a bad peson.

I am not worth to keep.

I sin like crazy.

I've ruined another person's life.

I'll never be the person that i should be.

I am a disgrace as a christian.

I don't deserve to be around people.

I should be a loner.

I should stop talking.

I should stop schooling.

I should stop everything.

I should just disappear.

I should have amnesia.

I don;t deserve to live.

I'm just wasting this life that He gave me.

I am full of regrets.

I am someone that can't be trusted.

I am nothing.

I should just die.

But what can dying do?

Nothing.

So i should just go in my shell.

Away from everything.

I should just keep it all in.

And not burden anyone anymore.

Too much people I've burdened.

I have no more hope.

I'm a hopeless creature.

No one can save me no more.

I have bad choices.

I have bad insights.

I'll never be of help to anybody.

I think I'm even a curse.

I'm a disgrace.

I'm a total failure.

I WILL NEVER BE ME.

I don't deserve my name.

I'm a failure.

I deserve to be in bed.

I don't deserve to talk.

I have no right to talk.

I have no right to smile.

How i wish I'd stop thinking.

Maybe I'm insane.

Maybe I'm crazy.

No body can help me.

I can't even help myself.

I regret everything.

I don't deserve to live.

I just don't.

What am I here for?

When i'm only a burden to everyone.

I've even ruined another person's life.

Why was I ever born.

Me

It's so hard for people to understand me. I don't want to hide under bush and pretend that I am like this or lie that. The truth is, if I am to be myself? I will disappoint a lot of people.

I am an artist, and when i say it i mean it. It's so hard to live a life fighting your own mood swings, or having a battle within yourself on wether to live or not. Being an artist is no joke at all. There are so many voices in her head that she herself cannot control at times. This world is too small for her. Artists need something new everyday, but hey, gotta face reality coz reality cannot offer her new things everyday.

Being an artist is a great gift indeed, but it is a heavy responsibility as well. Creativity flows like a river that no dam could stop it. The question is, where does all her creativity go? If she cannot release it, it goes deep in her heart and once her heart is full, its too heavy to carry that it leads to a depression like no other.

An artist's depression is one of a kind and boy is it hard to get out of it. An artist's depression is empty, dark, lonely, confusing & hopeless. It's like being in a black void of space. There seems to be no way out. Crying with no reason at all, going berserk with no idea why, wanting to die just because the world seems so small for her. Lonely even if friends are around, hopeless even if happiness is around, confused even if a clear path is ahead. You see, it's just unexplainable.

So I'm sorry if i have to go to a coffee shop just to do my arts, I'm sorry if i have to buy stuff when I am alone, I'm sorry if i over spend on the little useless things that make me happy, I'm sorry if i keep trying to do new things, I'm sorry if my taste is expensive, I'm sorry if i want to travel and be adventurous, I'm sorry if I keep changing my mind, I'm sorry if i run away from my responsibilities at times, I'm sorry if i keep asking nonsense questions, I'm sorry if i treat you like I love you, I'm sorry if I keep asking for more. I'm just so sorry. I'm trying to live, I'm giving my best not to give up, I'm trying to see life in a better way. I'm trying to get out of this, believe me, I'm trying so so hard.

Please, understand me... I promise, I will try and understand you back.

And oh, by the way? The reason why I'm still alive right now is, because Someone is loving me unconditionally, Who understands me more than i understand myself.

Dream List

These are the desires of my heart & I will aim to reach them all! My aim is to reach this in three years time.

1. To cosplay again.

Ever since i was a kid, I've always loved dress up. I wanted to pretend to be someone I am not, I want to be different even for a day. I want to be in someone else's shoes. I wanted to act. I wanted to express. Cosplay is the best way that i found, to be able to do all of these. There's something more into cosplaying :) It about having fun... it's about releasing all the stress you have. It's about running away from your life for a day. :) Cosplay is a beautiful form of art. :) Putting life into fictional characters. Breathing into the pages of manga. :) There's something magical about cosplaying and it's the nearest fairy tale that i could ever get.

2. To Create a series of Children's book/Teenager's book. (Graphical)

I've always dreamt of creating books/mangas. But now I am very fond of digital arts. As much as possible i want to create symbolic graphical books. You know, graphics that don't need words to explain. I want to create a series of books that i could hold with my own hands. Like, Fruits of the Spirit, or God's different names, or the beatitudes, or even the 10 commandments! :D something spiritual at the same time interesting and full of wisdom :)

3. To have my own album.

I love to sing. I love the piano keys. I love music. :) I want to have an album where i would write the songs and use my own vocals. :) I want an album of encouragement. :) I want to design my own cd album! :D arrange it layout it fix it! :D To encourage artists, or inspire them. :) An album for cause.. to feed the hungry artists emotionally :)

4. To create a series of short 3D films & Digital storybooks

It's almost the same with number one though this one is more of animation. I want the same idea but this is more of insights and they're really symbolic and emotional. I want to produce stories that would touch the hearts of people... That would remind them of all the goodness of life. :) I want to make a series, like the fairy tales, my own version. :)

5. To have my own space, to live in a small house or condo on my own.

I've always wanted to have my own space. I love my family, but my way of thinking just doesn't fit house rules anymore. I know i must honor my parents, and with my age right now? I really need to get away from the house to give peace to my parents. :) They've taught me well, and i believe it's time for me to head out and apply all the things that they've taught me. I love them and I am doing this for them as well.. :)

6. To teach :)

I don't know how, where or when... But i want to inspire young adults/ youth. I know i have the passion to speak to them, but i don't exactly know how or why. I just want to encourage and inspire youth especially the artists and musicians :) I know God loves them so much, but do they know that?

7. Be known for my art.

I don't know if this is a selfish thing or what, but God please humble my heart and correct me if I am wrong. I want a stable income and i want people to recognize my art. :) The Shiriel style :) I want it to be something unique, i want to be alive and breathing. :) I want to tell the world that this gift was given by God and God has given them other gifts as well. :)

8. To finish college in a unique way.

I know that God is a God of possibilities. There is nothing that is impossible for Him. I know that right now I am living a normal life... But i know God made me for something different. :) College is a gift from God and i know that it'll be exciting and fun with Him. :) All i need is to trust in Him and stop complaining!! :))

9. Have my digital arts posted in Kangaroo.

I've always loved Kangaroo... I love everything about it and i want to offer my artworks there. I want to offer great works into which people would appreciate them. I want my digital arts to speak through the hearts of the customers of Kangaroo... I want to attain that goal. Artworks that would speak to the hearts of people in a simple gaze... I trust in God. and i will depend on God with this.

10. To be fluent in Japanese and go to Japan!

I've always loved Japan ever since i was a kid. I want to go there and meet japanese people. I want to see the cherry blossoms, the Japanese Zen Garden, the Ukiyo-e artworks, the food, the pastries, the houses.. MMm... just thinking about it excites me :) I don't know how in the world I'll get there... but i want to cosplay there too and wear a kimono! I trust God

Well. That's my list for now. I shall focus on these first. :) God, help me. xD

27 Undesirable Things

27 Things That You Can Hate About Her

1. She spends a lot; Sometimes even TOO much.
2. She doesn't do household chores.
3. She's a very emotional little girl! Her mood swings are crazy.
4. Her Attention Span is short, she cannot keep still.
5. She easily gets distracted, leading to ignorance. Like if you're talking to her and another person asks her to go somewhere, she leaves you without a good bye.
6. She easily gets bored!
7. She is very inconsistent with everything. She starts on something and usually ends up not finishing it.
8. She loves to eat but doesn't want to get fat! So she gets depressed when she is chubby!
9. Doesn't really take initiative. She needs all the details she can get!
10. A perfectionist.
11. Sensitive about her own feelings - sometimes too much.
12. Gets easily attracted, easily dis attracted too.
13. Whines.
14. Acts like a child
15. When you're irritated, sometimes she gets irritated too! So you both will end up arguing!
16. Mixes up information.
17. Can't really follow instructions
18. Decisions are mostly based on emotions.
19. Complains a lot
20. Insensitive about other's feelings
21. Would get what she wants even if it means stepping on others.
22. You don't know when she pretends & when she really is naive.
23. Does things the easy way out.
24. A woman of great compromise
25. Changes her mind a lot.
26. Doesn't know what she wants.
27. Can be bossy.