Me

It's so hard for people to understand me. I don't want to hide under bush and pretend that I am like this or lie that. The truth is, if I am to be myself? I will disappoint a lot of people.

I am an artist, and when i say it i mean it. It's so hard to live a life fighting your own mood swings, or having a battle within yourself on wether to live or not. Being an artist is no joke at all. There are so many voices in her head that she herself cannot control at times. This world is too small for her. Artists need something new everyday, but hey, gotta face reality coz reality cannot offer her new things everyday.

Being an artist is a great gift indeed, but it is a heavy responsibility as well. Creativity flows like a river that no dam could stop it. The question is, where does all her creativity go? If she cannot release it, it goes deep in her heart and once her heart is full, its too heavy to carry that it leads to a depression like no other.

An artist's depression is one of a kind and boy is it hard to get out of it. An artist's depression is empty, dark, lonely, confusing & hopeless. It's like being in a black void of space. There seems to be no way out. Crying with no reason at all, going berserk with no idea why, wanting to die just because the world seems so small for her. Lonely even if friends are around, hopeless even if happiness is around, confused even if a clear path is ahead. You see, it's just unexplainable.

So I'm sorry if i have to go to a coffee shop just to do my arts, I'm sorry if i have to buy stuff when I am alone, I'm sorry if i over spend on the little useless things that make me happy, I'm sorry if i keep trying to do new things, I'm sorry if my taste is expensive, I'm sorry if i want to travel and be adventurous, I'm sorry if I keep changing my mind, I'm sorry if i run away from my responsibilities at times, I'm sorry if i keep asking nonsense questions, I'm sorry if i treat you like I love you, I'm sorry if I keep asking for more. I'm just so sorry. I'm trying to live, I'm giving my best not to give up, I'm trying to see life in a better way. I'm trying to get out of this, believe me, I'm trying so so hard.

Please, understand me... I promise, I will try and understand you back.

And oh, by the way? The reason why I'm still alive right now is, because Someone is loving me unconditionally, Who understands me more than i understand myself.

Dream List

These are the desires of my heart & I will aim to reach them all! My aim is to reach this in three years time.

1. To cosplay again.

Ever since i was a kid, I've always loved dress up. I wanted to pretend to be someone I am not, I want to be different even for a day. I want to be in someone else's shoes. I wanted to act. I wanted to express. Cosplay is the best way that i found, to be able to do all of these. There's something more into cosplaying :) It about having fun... it's about releasing all the stress you have. It's about running away from your life for a day. :) Cosplay is a beautiful form of art. :) Putting life into fictional characters. Breathing into the pages of manga. :) There's something magical about cosplaying and it's the nearest fairy tale that i could ever get.

2. To Create a series of Children's book/Teenager's book. (Graphical)

I've always dreamt of creating books/mangas. But now I am very fond of digital arts. As much as possible i want to create symbolic graphical books. You know, graphics that don't need words to explain. I want to create a series of books that i could hold with my own hands. Like, Fruits of the Spirit, or God's different names, or the beatitudes, or even the 10 commandments! :D something spiritual at the same time interesting and full of wisdom :)

3. To have my own album.

I love to sing. I love the piano keys. I love music. :) I want to have an album where i would write the songs and use my own vocals. :) I want an album of encouragement. :) I want to design my own cd album! :D arrange it layout it fix it! :D To encourage artists, or inspire them. :) An album for cause.. to feed the hungry artists emotionally :)

4. To create a series of short 3D films & Digital storybooks

It's almost the same with number one though this one is more of animation. I want the same idea but this is more of insights and they're really symbolic and emotional. I want to produce stories that would touch the hearts of people... That would remind them of all the goodness of life. :) I want to make a series, like the fairy tales, my own version. :)

5. To have my own space, to live in a small house or condo on my own.

I've always wanted to have my own space. I love my family, but my way of thinking just doesn't fit house rules anymore. I know i must honor my parents, and with my age right now? I really need to get away from the house to give peace to my parents. :) They've taught me well, and i believe it's time for me to head out and apply all the things that they've taught me. I love them and I am doing this for them as well.. :)

6. To teach :)

I don't know how, where or when... But i want to inspire young adults/ youth. I know i have the passion to speak to them, but i don't exactly know how or why. I just want to encourage and inspire youth especially the artists and musicians :) I know God loves them so much, but do they know that?

7. Be known for my art.

I don't know if this is a selfish thing or what, but God please humble my heart and correct me if I am wrong. I want a stable income and i want people to recognize my art. :) The Shiriel style :) I want it to be something unique, i want to be alive and breathing. :) I want to tell the world that this gift was given by God and God has given them other gifts as well. :)

8. To finish college in a unique way.

I know that God is a God of possibilities. There is nothing that is impossible for Him. I know that right now I am living a normal life... But i know God made me for something different. :) College is a gift from God and i know that it'll be exciting and fun with Him. :) All i need is to trust in Him and stop complaining!! :))

9. Have my digital arts posted in Kangaroo.

I've always loved Kangaroo... I love everything about it and i want to offer my artworks there. I want to offer great works into which people would appreciate them. I want my digital arts to speak through the hearts of the customers of Kangaroo... I want to attain that goal. Artworks that would speak to the hearts of people in a simple gaze... I trust in God. and i will depend on God with this.

10. To be fluent in Japanese and go to Japan!

I've always loved Japan ever since i was a kid. I want to go there and meet japanese people. I want to see the cherry blossoms, the Japanese Zen Garden, the Ukiyo-e artworks, the food, the pastries, the houses.. MMm... just thinking about it excites me :) I don't know how in the world I'll get there... but i want to cosplay there too and wear a kimono! I trust God

Well. That's my list for now. I shall focus on these first. :) God, help me. xD