Me

It's so hard for people to understand me. I don't want to hide under bush and pretend that I am like this or lie that. The truth is, if I am to be myself? I will disappoint a lot of people.

I am an artist, and when i say it i mean it. It's so hard to live a life fighting your own mood swings, or having a battle within yourself on wether to live or not. Being an artist is no joke at all. There are so many voices in her head that she herself cannot control at times. This world is too small for her. Artists need something new everyday, but hey, gotta face reality coz reality cannot offer her new things everyday.

Being an artist is a great gift indeed, but it is a heavy responsibility as well. Creativity flows like a river that no dam could stop it. The question is, where does all her creativity go? If she cannot release it, it goes deep in her heart and once her heart is full, its too heavy to carry that it leads to a depression like no other.

An artist's depression is one of a kind and boy is it hard to get out of it. An artist's depression is empty, dark, lonely, confusing & hopeless. It's like being in a black void of space. There seems to be no way out. Crying with no reason at all, going berserk with no idea why, wanting to die just because the world seems so small for her. Lonely even if friends are around, hopeless even if happiness is around, confused even if a clear path is ahead. You see, it's just unexplainable.

So I'm sorry if i have to go to a coffee shop just to do my arts, I'm sorry if i have to buy stuff when I am alone, I'm sorry if i over spend on the little useless things that make me happy, I'm sorry if i keep trying to do new things, I'm sorry if my taste is expensive, I'm sorry if i want to travel and be adventurous, I'm sorry if I keep changing my mind, I'm sorry if i run away from my responsibilities at times, I'm sorry if i keep asking nonsense questions, I'm sorry if i treat you like I love you, I'm sorry if I keep asking for more. I'm just so sorry. I'm trying to live, I'm giving my best not to give up, I'm trying to see life in a better way. I'm trying to get out of this, believe me, I'm trying so so hard.

Please, understand me... I promise, I will try and understand you back.

And oh, by the way? The reason why I'm still alive right now is, because Someone is loving me unconditionally, Who understands me more than i understand myself.

Dream List

These are the desires of my heart & I will aim to reach them all! My aim is to reach this in three years time.

1. To cosplay again.

Ever since i was a kid, I've always loved dress up. I wanted to pretend to be someone I am not, I want to be different even for a day. I want to be in someone else's shoes. I wanted to act. I wanted to express. Cosplay is the best way that i found, to be able to do all of these. There's something more into cosplaying :) It about having fun... it's about releasing all the stress you have. It's about running away from your life for a day. :) Cosplay is a beautiful form of art. :) Putting life into fictional characters. Breathing into the pages of manga. :) There's something magical about cosplaying and it's the nearest fairy tale that i could ever get.

2. To Create a series of Children's book/Teenager's book. (Graphical)

I've always dreamt of creating books/mangas. But now I am very fond of digital arts. As much as possible i want to create symbolic graphical books. You know, graphics that don't need words to explain. I want to create a series of books that i could hold with my own hands. Like, Fruits of the Spirit, or God's different names, or the beatitudes, or even the 10 commandments! :D something spiritual at the same time interesting and full of wisdom :)

3. To have my own album.

I love to sing. I love the piano keys. I love music. :) I want to have an album where i would write the songs and use my own vocals. :) I want an album of encouragement. :) I want to design my own cd album! :D arrange it layout it fix it! :D To encourage artists, or inspire them. :) An album for cause.. to feed the hungry artists emotionally :)

4. To create a series of short 3D films & Digital storybooks

It's almost the same with number one though this one is more of animation. I want the same idea but this is more of insights and they're really symbolic and emotional. I want to produce stories that would touch the hearts of people... That would remind them of all the goodness of life. :) I want to make a series, like the fairy tales, my own version. :)

5. To have my own space, to live in a small house or condo on my own.

I've always wanted to have my own space. I love my family, but my way of thinking just doesn't fit house rules anymore. I know i must honor my parents, and with my age right now? I really need to get away from the house to give peace to my parents. :) They've taught me well, and i believe it's time for me to head out and apply all the things that they've taught me. I love them and I am doing this for them as well.. :)

6. To teach :)

I don't know how, where or when... But i want to inspire young adults/ youth. I know i have the passion to speak to them, but i don't exactly know how or why. I just want to encourage and inspire youth especially the artists and musicians :) I know God loves them so much, but do they know that?

7. Be known for my art.

I don't know if this is a selfish thing or what, but God please humble my heart and correct me if I am wrong. I want a stable income and i want people to recognize my art. :) The Shiriel style :) I want it to be something unique, i want to be alive and breathing. :) I want to tell the world that this gift was given by God and God has given them other gifts as well. :)

8. To finish college in a unique way.

I know that God is a God of possibilities. There is nothing that is impossible for Him. I know that right now I am living a normal life... But i know God made me for something different. :) College is a gift from God and i know that it'll be exciting and fun with Him. :) All i need is to trust in Him and stop complaining!! :))

9. Have my digital arts posted in Kangaroo.

I've always loved Kangaroo... I love everything about it and i want to offer my artworks there. I want to offer great works into which people would appreciate them. I want my digital arts to speak through the hearts of the customers of Kangaroo... I want to attain that goal. Artworks that would speak to the hearts of people in a simple gaze... I trust in God. and i will depend on God with this.

10. To be fluent in Japanese and go to Japan!

I've always loved Japan ever since i was a kid. I want to go there and meet japanese people. I want to see the cherry blossoms, the Japanese Zen Garden, the Ukiyo-e artworks, the food, the pastries, the houses.. MMm... just thinking about it excites me :) I don't know how in the world I'll get there... but i want to cosplay there too and wear a kimono! I trust God

Well. That's my list for now. I shall focus on these first. :) God, help me. xD

27 Undesirable Things

27 Things That You Can Hate About Her

1. She spends a lot; Sometimes even TOO much.
2. She doesn't do household chores.
3. She's a very emotional little girl! Her mood swings are crazy.
4. Her Attention Span is short, she cannot keep still.
5. She easily gets distracted, leading to ignorance. Like if you're talking to her and another person asks her to go somewhere, she leaves you without a good bye.
6. She easily gets bored!
7. She is very inconsistent with everything. She starts on something and usually ends up not finishing it.
8. She loves to eat but doesn't want to get fat! So she gets depressed when she is chubby!
9. Doesn't really take initiative. She needs all the details she can get!
10. A perfectionist.
11. Sensitive about her own feelings - sometimes too much.
12. Gets easily attracted, easily dis attracted too.
13. Whines.
14. Acts like a child
15. When you're irritated, sometimes she gets irritated too! So you both will end up arguing!
16. Mixes up information.
17. Can't really follow instructions
18. Decisions are mostly based on emotions.
19. Complains a lot
20. Insensitive about other's feelings
21. Would get what she wants even if it means stepping on others.
22. You don't know when she pretends & when she really is naive.
23. Does things the easy way out.
24. A woman of great compromise
25. Changes her mind a lot.
26. Doesn't know what she wants.
27. Can be bossy.

Who's in your heart's throne?

I’m here, but I want to be there.

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be somewhere else? It’s like wearing a bathing suit in North Pole.

I’ve been with YWAM for almost four years now. I’ve always wanted to stay in YWAM. The adventure I’ve longed for is right there and it’s all for God. I thought I was the one of the few who’d stay there, but no. God had other plans. I was one of the few who’d leave indefinitely.

I am now studying in a normal college. I’ll be having a normal life for three years. Yes it’s hard. I mean being able to be outside there! and now being stuck inside again. It’s like being free and now being imprisoned again.

I was full of doubts. So full of questions. So full of disappointments. I obeyed God, but i reasoned a lot too. I wanted to be in that adventure! I wanted to climb that mountain.

Thing is. I am not prepared. Yes the desire to climb that mountain is there. It’s burning with passion. But what is that without the proper training? I cannot climb a mountain without proper training! Coz if i do, i’d fall down easily.

That is one thing that i couldn’t accept. That I am not good enough. I am not trained enough… and then that’s when i realized that I need to be humbled by Him. I was depending so much on my own will, my own strength, when i should be depending on Him. I focused so much on my calling that i forgot who called me.

I went to an evangelistic event yesterday. A talented street dancer gave his testimony and explained about our heart’s throne. Who is sitting there, God or Me? As I was listening i was like… “This is for the unbelievers, i do hope they understand.” The guy demonstrated it well. He pointed at a huge speaker and said, “…this is your throne.” Then he sat down on the speaker,”… pretend that you’re me and I am sitting on my throne.” That struck me.

I am full of doubts lately. Because the plans that i thought God made for me didn’t push through. I’m in college now. I keep asking God why am i here, when i want to be out there, to reach out, through YWAM. I want to be out there. I want to do something out of the ordinary. I want this, I want that, I want… I realized, that the one that’s sitting in my throne right now is ‘me’. That message was for unbelievers, but it was a great reminder for the believers. I got so focused on my calling, that i forgot who called me. God is humbling me right now. He’s humbling me BIG time.

God placed me in this school, for a reason. I will know that reason later on. But as on now, i should understand that I may not know His plans, but for sure, it’s for the best.

It’s hard. It’s REALLY hard… but I know God wouldn’t give me a challenge that i could not handle. God gave this challenge to me because He believes in me. He trusts me. All i have is Him. All i have is faith. I can do this by His grace.

I may not be where i want to be, but i know that I am where God wants me to be.

Please let me understand

God.. I don't understand why you make me do things that I don't want to do. I don't know why you're letting me feel this way. God I love you but i can't seem to feel you. I know you're there, but you seem so distant, i can see you talking but I can't hear you. God i don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when it's really not. God I want to be honest, I am confused, I am lost, I am empty. When i read your word i don't feel anything as well. God. What is wrong? I feel so down, everything seems so blurred and dark. Oh my God, what can i do to make this stop?

God i want to cry, i want to give up, I just want to disappear. Nobody understands and I guess nobody will. My God please let someone understand. I want to lean on you but then, I can't hear you. God i know you're bigger than my problem. PLEASE let me go through this with you :( Why can't you hear my pleas? Why can't you hear my cries? Am i not your daughter? Oh God save me from this turmoil. I need you so much. WHy do you close your ears to me?

I know I am a sinner and I have sinned a lot, i did so many things that hurt you and i did not listen a lot before, and I am deeply sorry... God, i don't know what to do. My will is too weak, I'm too weak. Everything seems so hard for me. It's like i don't have a will of my own no more. Why am I so sensitive around spirits? God is this a gift? Thank you, but then i don't know how to handle it. What am i supposed to do my dear God?

Why am I like this? :( I see you reach out, how i wish i could just grab your hand. God, I'm slowly getting tired, sometimes I just want to be with you. :( Everything is meaningless, everything is just meaningless.

Entry 01 Twenty

I'm twenty and I am not growing any younger anymore.

When I was a teen I've always dreamt of starting young for God. I offered up my life to God, it wasn't perfect, but my heart was there. I wanted to live up my life for God in a young age. I gave up almost everything that was important to me. I gave up my collections of things that i love, I gave up several friends, I gave up opportunities for Him, i gave up my desire for a boyfriend, I gave up several things that i love to do. I gave up my comfort zone. I wanted Him to use me. I gave up so many things. I even came to a point into which i felt so empty, coz I've given up almost everything for Him.

Since i was thirteen years old, I've been praying to God. Asking Him to use me while I am still a teenager. I've always believed that He would use me in my teen life. I've always believed that He will use me in a young age. I've made sure that I do the right decisions, for Him to be able to use me to the fullest. He was never apart from me. I even came to a point that all i had was Him.

Now. I'm twenty.

Nothing really happened. I've lost it. I feel like a total failure. Not only did I fail to reach my dream, but now I am back to school, first year. My classmates are way younger than I am. I am back to papers, reports, and exams. I am back to university life. I was so ready to work, to earn, to make a change in this world; but no. God placed me back into school.

I have no idea what he wants me to do. I have no idea what is in His mind. I am having a tough time. I am crying inside almost everyday. I want to go out I want to do something for God. I want to live my life to the fullest. I thought God would use me in my young age. I thought God would use me in my teen life. I thought I could tell the world that "Hey! you can start young too just like me! Give your life to God! He will use you in ways you can never imagine, your teen life would never be the same!" But no. I can't say that anymore. I just can't…

I am twenty. I don't know what God has in stored for me. I know He is in control, but this is the lowest part of my life. I can never go back. I just can never go back…

Charice Pempengco. She has inspired me greatly. The first time i saw her in TV, i was seventeen or eighteen back then, i was like "I want to be something like that, to inspire teens that hey! they can start young!…" But now… I can't say that anymore :,(

I'm twenty. I'm twenty. Tell me. How am i to reach my dream of being used by God in a very young age? Tell me. Please don't compare my life with others who started in their thirties or fifties. I wanted to start young. Young Young Young! I gave up so many things and i am not regretting giving them up. I gave them up in love for God. But now. I feel like I am nothing. I feel lost. I feel discouraged.

People around me kept telling me that I am getting better at the things that I am doing. But is that really enough? I need God's grace. I can never reach my dream on my own… But then… Where is His grace? :,( I feel down in the mud. I feel like an outcast. I feel like I have to give up my dream as well; but if i give it up… what else do I have?