Please let me understand

God.. I don't understand why you make me do things that I don't want to do. I don't know why you're letting me feel this way. God I love you but i can't seem to feel you. I know you're there, but you seem so distant, i can see you talking but I can't hear you. God i don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when it's really not. God I want to be honest, I am confused, I am lost, I am empty. When i read your word i don't feel anything as well. God. What is wrong? I feel so down, everything seems so blurred and dark. Oh my God, what can i do to make this stop?

God i want to cry, i want to give up, I just want to disappear. Nobody understands and I guess nobody will. My God please let someone understand. I want to lean on you but then, I can't hear you. God i know you're bigger than my problem. PLEASE let me go through this with you :( Why can't you hear my pleas? Why can't you hear my cries? Am i not your daughter? Oh God save me from this turmoil. I need you so much. WHy do you close your ears to me?

I know I am a sinner and I have sinned a lot, i did so many things that hurt you and i did not listen a lot before, and I am deeply sorry... God, i don't know what to do. My will is too weak, I'm too weak. Everything seems so hard for me. It's like i don't have a will of my own no more. Why am I so sensitive around spirits? God is this a gift? Thank you, but then i don't know how to handle it. What am i supposed to do my dear God?

Why am I like this? :( I see you reach out, how i wish i could just grab your hand. God, I'm slowly getting tired, sometimes I just want to be with you. :( Everything is meaningless, everything is just meaningless.