Who's in your heart's throne?

I’m here, but I want to be there.

Have you ever felt like you were supposed to be somewhere else? It’s like wearing a bathing suit in North Pole.

I’ve been with YWAM for almost four years now. I’ve always wanted to stay in YWAM. The adventure I’ve longed for is right there and it’s all for God. I thought I was the one of the few who’d stay there, but no. God had other plans. I was one of the few who’d leave indefinitely.

I am now studying in a normal college. I’ll be having a normal life for three years. Yes it’s hard. I mean being able to be outside there! and now being stuck inside again. It’s like being free and now being imprisoned again.

I was full of doubts. So full of questions. So full of disappointments. I obeyed God, but i reasoned a lot too. I wanted to be in that adventure! I wanted to climb that mountain.

Thing is. I am not prepared. Yes the desire to climb that mountain is there. It’s burning with passion. But what is that without the proper training? I cannot climb a mountain without proper training! Coz if i do, i’d fall down easily.

That is one thing that i couldn’t accept. That I am not good enough. I am not trained enough… and then that’s when i realized that I need to be humbled by Him. I was depending so much on my own will, my own strength, when i should be depending on Him. I focused so much on my calling that i forgot who called me.

I went to an evangelistic event yesterday. A talented street dancer gave his testimony and explained about our heart’s throne. Who is sitting there, God or Me? As I was listening i was like… “This is for the unbelievers, i do hope they understand.” The guy demonstrated it well. He pointed at a huge speaker and said, “…this is your throne.” Then he sat down on the speaker,”… pretend that you’re me and I am sitting on my throne.” That struck me.

I am full of doubts lately. Because the plans that i thought God made for me didn’t push through. I’m in college now. I keep asking God why am i here, when i want to be out there, to reach out, through YWAM. I want to be out there. I want to do something out of the ordinary. I want this, I want that, I want… I realized, that the one that’s sitting in my throne right now is ‘me’. That message was for unbelievers, but it was a great reminder for the believers. I got so focused on my calling, that i forgot who called me. God is humbling me right now. He’s humbling me BIG time.

God placed me in this school, for a reason. I will know that reason later on. But as on now, i should understand that I may not know His plans, but for sure, it’s for the best.

It’s hard. It’s REALLY hard… but I know God wouldn’t give me a challenge that i could not handle. God gave this challenge to me because He believes in me. He trusts me. All i have is Him. All i have is faith. I can do this by His grace.

I may not be where i want to be, but i know that I am where God wants me to be.