A Girl, a Girl Artist

Isn't it quite a bit hard being a girl?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I like being a girl, it's just that sometimes how I wish I could understand myself a bit better. Being a girl, I am an emotional being. I have weird mood swings, I'm happy now, later I'm not. Can be triggered by something, can be not. It's awfully confusing I know; that's the downfall of being a girl. You want something, but you don't know what it is. You're excited and happy then suddenly the weather changes and you can't blame anybody about it so you blame yourself. You're mad at someone and you want to ignore that person but at the same time you want to talk to that person 'cause you care. It's complicated, it's most of the time ironic.

Now that I've given out a picture of a girl's life, now imagine, an artist who's a girl. Double everything mate, double every single thing. Double the mood swings, double the irony. That's why we end up being in the "weird" list. That's why I'm complicated, that's why I can't handle myself at times as well.

It's quite hard I may say, even tho I like being a girl, to stand up on my own feet and face the world with my emotional weirdness & ironic thinking. I turn the lights on, I turn it off, turn it on, turn it off, turn it on, turn it off. . . Done that in like 5 seconds before I sleep. I can't decide whether to turn on the lights or not as I sleep. Yes, complicated. I know it's just but a small thing, you know about the light switch, just imagine, what I do, how I feel, how I go crazy with the big things.

Yet despite everything, I still get to stand on my own feet. I find it quite amazing how God created artists, especially women in particular, how emotional they can really be, how weird and ironic they can be, and yet when they do their craft, there's just so much beauty in it. Most female artists create arts that are overly detailed, complicated I may say, and enriching in colors and techniques, just like their colorful oh so ironic mood swings.

So when you see me in an insane ironic mood swing, just splash some of your colors of happiness or weirdness, it creates a beautiful canvas. :) Or if you hear me over-complicate situations and arguments, just explain to me in detail, and i mean DETAILS, what I should hear and what I'm doing; I promise it'll untangle any complication and create wonderful insightful finishing touches.

I think that works for other female artists as well. Women can be very complicated and ironic in the outer core, but once you go deeper, deeper across the sea of weirdness and into her heart, the place of her character, you'll see how clean she is with her intentions and find out that most of the things she does, she does because she cares, she loves, she wants to understand. You'll find out how soft, pure and sweet she can really be. :) So don't give up. ;) Women are complicated, especially the female artists, but once you get to her heart, you'd understand more. Add to that, you'll see how you really can't judge a book by its cover. :)

Signal Patterns

I so love personality tests :D and apparently i got a good one from an amazing blogger friend of mine http://italicized.co.nr/ her oct 31st 2011 entry. check her site out ;) and the link to the personality test is somewhere in her blog :D

Passionate

You are in touch with your emotions, and sometimes you react before you think. The good news: you don't tamp down your feelings. The bad news: you sometimes say or do things that you later wish you could take back.

You do not live your life on an even keel; you do not go for long periods without experiencing some mood swings.

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.

Sympathetic

You have a knack for knowing what's going on in the hearts and minds of those around you, without their having to tell you explicitly. People tend to turn to you with their problems because they know you care, and that you will likely offer good advice and a helping hand.

You do not feel that people with sad stories are just looking for attention, or have brought their problems upon themselves.

Original

You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.

You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.

Tender

You are gentle with others, both physically and emotionally. You are careful not to upset people and go out of your way to find the nicest way to say something. You naturally focus on the fact that the world is full of wonderful people, places, and things. More often than not, people with a high score on the "tender" trait enjoy spending time with children, love romantic movies, and are enthusiastic about making the world a better place.

You don't think of yourself as tough-minded or gruff, nor do you need to be seen as some kind of objective source of truth and rationality.

Innovative

You come up with a lot of ideas; if one doesn't work out, there's always another waiting in the wings. You often have interesting solutions to difficult problems. You're practically a one-person brainstorming session.

You are less interested changing the world than in dealing with things as they are. Unlike those who spend all their time trying to solve problems, you prefer to zero in on things that work and stick with them.

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.

You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Friendly

You would rather hang out with others than spend time alone, and you'd far rather be doing something with your friends than just sitting around. You're happy in a crowded room, club, stadium, or auditorium.

You're not a private person who is ill at ease in a group; you don't view excessive socializing as a waste of time.

Warm

You have a genuine interest in other people. You're a natural host, and are always thinking about how you can increase the happiness of those around you. When friends have problems or are in trouble, you're usually the first person they turn to for aid and comfort. Scoring high on the "warm" trait suggests that you are among those who enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't always say exactly what you're thinking; you don't like the idea of causing anyone pain because of your criticism.

Understanding

You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.

Is it agreeable? haha

I miss you :)

I greatly miss someone right now. Someone dear and close to me. Someone whom i care for a lot. Someone I like. I miss this person, but circumstances says we can't talk nor see each other.

It's hard. Liking someone who is so close to you; but to keep the relationship, emotions must lie low and slow down for its own good. It's tough. It's insanely hard. Everyday seems to be too long to cope up with, but then, the thing that pushes me to go on, is that, this is happening for the better good.

Liking someone is beautiful; but going over the boundaries is dangerous. But fret not. There is still hope when boundaries are crossed. This is one solution. To kill that fire of being too close too soon. To kill the fire is to stop feeding the fire, to stop feeding the fire is to stop communication. It's hard, but it's doable.

I want to give up at times already, but one thing that is helping me the most is my God. . :) I pour out everything to Him and that helps me release. Telling God how much i miss him and all those things. Talking to God about my emotions, actually drew me closer to Him. :) I find it quite amazing. I never thought I'd be able to share these kinds of things to God. :)

Another thing that helps me not give up is. . I know he's doing his side as well. It's fair, we're fighting the same fight. For us to actually achieve this 'self-control' is to push through this no-communication for awhile. it's hard, it's tough, but it's the right thing to do.

Whoever said it'll be a blissful road? Doing the right thing always requires a lot of sacrifice, but then, the blessings are insanely great as well. :) I know that once we talk again, it'll be better and be handled in a more mature way - Keeping the relationship the way God intended it to be. I mean. . this relationship is here anyway, for God Himself. :) This relationship is here to build us both for the glory of God alone. :)

PS

About my last post? All those were lies. . I know i can have a good relationship with a man in the future. It's a lie that i don't have hope; and on top of it all, it doesn't suck to be me. . . :) God is helping me grow to become the lady He wants me to be, so that i may share my learnings to all those ladies who are confused as well. . :) My dreams are not shattered. I know that I will still get married in the future. I know myself. I cannot live alone. :) Only God knows what's best for me. :) I'm happy to be on the right track. :)

It'll never work out

I'm starting to guess that I won't get married anymore. I don't even want to engage in any relationship anymore. . Time to hide all those relational books now, because they're useless already. . I can't stay with any guy. Any guy will get tired of me. I even get tired of myself. I want to serve my future husband, i really really do. . but with my personalty right now? I don't ever think I'd be able to build the right habits and the right foundations.

I'll make any guy stay with me suffer. I'm too sensitive in everything. Yeah at first it be fine. But as years go by, i know I'd be left behind. I just know it. I know myself, if i get tired of myself, how much more of others?. . I will never grow old with a man. . Whenever i see couples or old people? I just want to cry. . it's something i've always looked forward when i was a little kid. Now reality strikes and wakes me up from my delusions. I can never have that. . It sucks being me. ;p

I give up. I don't want to make someone's life worsen because of me; especially if i love him. I am just not worth the girl anymore. I'll never be someone who can make a man happy. In the beginning yes i can, but later on i won't be. Some blessings turn into a curse. I know myself, i know that i cannot be a blessing for long.

I give up on relationships. I haven't engaged on them yet, but i already know that i'd fail. I don't want anything that's more than friendship. I don't want to have a boyfriend. I'd settle on my own self. I'm going back to my comfort zone, my mangas. There I can satisfy my emotional needs by reading other people's happy love stories.

I'll just never get a good love story. My gosh, I will pity my future boyfriend. I'd rather not have one, i don't want to make anyone suffer because of me. I've already made too many people suffer because of me. Enough is enough. I can't die, so i'll live just to lessen more hurts. But if only i can run away and fade away.

I don't care anymore. I can never be a good partner. I will always be a burden. I just suck. Mangas mangas, i'll soon buy lots of you from now on. I can't love any man. I'll just ruin his life. I deserve to be alone, so i wont hurt anyone. There's no use in talking anymore. I've decided. I don't want a man in my life. Goodbye childhood dreams. It's time to have a good career and find a cat that's like garfield.

Hope

My identity is not of mine. It's in God. :)

I have no right to say all of those negative things. They're not true. . God made me the way I am. :) He made me beautiful, smart and lovingly sweet. It's time to see myself in God's lenses. I am created perfectly the way I am, I shouldn't look down on my self. God loves me the way I am now, and that will never ever change. No matter how much i sin or how much i fail . . He will never stop loving me. . and because I love Him, I will do everything to make Him happy. To keep His Word, His Law. . I will surely sin less and start loving Him more in purity and in all sincerity. :)

I'm proud to say that I'm a Christian, a princess of God. :)

Me

I'm lame.

I'm stupid.

I don't listen at all.

I don't know how to live life.

I am very irresponsible.

I corrupt people.

I am not a good influence.

I lie.

I'm not real.

I'm a disappointment.

I don't get things done.

I'll never change.

I'l never understand how to think of others.

I'm selfish.

I'm VERY selfish.

I'm conceited.

I'm lazy.

I'm Incompetent.

I betray people.

I gossip and slander.

I'm way lower that imperfection.

I will never ever be who I am.

I want to fade.

I'll never be a blessing.

I'll never be a good person.

I feel like if i disappear, i less evil will disappear.

I'm vain.

I'm lame.

I'm crappy.

I always make the wrong choices.

I'm insanely fragile.

I'm insanely sensitive.

I have insane mood swings.

I'm a bad peson.

I am not worth to keep.

I sin like crazy.

I've ruined another person's life.

I'll never be the person that i should be.

I am a disgrace as a christian.

I don't deserve to be around people.

I should be a loner.

I should stop talking.

I should stop schooling.

I should stop everything.

I should just disappear.

I should have amnesia.

I don;t deserve to live.

I'm just wasting this life that He gave me.

I am full of regrets.

I am someone that can't be trusted.

I am nothing.

I should just die.

But what can dying do?

Nothing.

So i should just go in my shell.

Away from everything.

I should just keep it all in.

And not burden anyone anymore.

Too much people I've burdened.

I have no more hope.

I'm a hopeless creature.

No one can save me no more.

I have bad choices.

I have bad insights.

I'll never be of help to anybody.

I think I'm even a curse.

I'm a disgrace.

I'm a total failure.

I WILL NEVER BE ME.

I don't deserve my name.

I'm a failure.

I deserve to be in bed.

I don't deserve to talk.

I have no right to talk.

I have no right to smile.

How i wish I'd stop thinking.

Maybe I'm insane.

Maybe I'm crazy.

No body can help me.

I can't even help myself.

I regret everything.

I don't deserve to live.

I just don't.

What am I here for?

When i'm only a burden to everyone.

I've even ruined another person's life.

Why was I ever born.

Me

It's so hard for people to understand me. I don't want to hide under bush and pretend that I am like this or lie that. The truth is, if I am to be myself? I will disappoint a lot of people.

I am an artist, and when i say it i mean it. It's so hard to live a life fighting your own mood swings, or having a battle within yourself on wether to live or not. Being an artist is no joke at all. There are so many voices in her head that she herself cannot control at times. This world is too small for her. Artists need something new everyday, but hey, gotta face reality coz reality cannot offer her new things everyday.

Being an artist is a great gift indeed, but it is a heavy responsibility as well. Creativity flows like a river that no dam could stop it. The question is, where does all her creativity go? If she cannot release it, it goes deep in her heart and once her heart is full, its too heavy to carry that it leads to a depression like no other.

An artist's depression is one of a kind and boy is it hard to get out of it. An artist's depression is empty, dark, lonely, confusing & hopeless. It's like being in a black void of space. There seems to be no way out. Crying with no reason at all, going berserk with no idea why, wanting to die just because the world seems so small for her. Lonely even if friends are around, hopeless even if happiness is around, confused even if a clear path is ahead. You see, it's just unexplainable.

So I'm sorry if i have to go to a coffee shop just to do my arts, I'm sorry if i have to buy stuff when I am alone, I'm sorry if i over spend on the little useless things that make me happy, I'm sorry if i keep trying to do new things, I'm sorry if my taste is expensive, I'm sorry if i want to travel and be adventurous, I'm sorry if I keep changing my mind, I'm sorry if i run away from my responsibilities at times, I'm sorry if i keep asking nonsense questions, I'm sorry if i treat you like I love you, I'm sorry if I keep asking for more. I'm just so sorry. I'm trying to live, I'm giving my best not to give up, I'm trying to see life in a better way. I'm trying to get out of this, believe me, I'm trying so so hard.

Please, understand me... I promise, I will try and understand you back.

And oh, by the way? The reason why I'm still alive right now is, because Someone is loving me unconditionally, Who understands me more than i understand myself.