Please let me understand

God.. I don't understand why you make me do things that I don't want to do. I don't know why you're letting me feel this way. God I love you but i can't seem to feel you. I know you're there, but you seem so distant, i can see you talking but I can't hear you. God i don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when it's really not. God I want to be honest, I am confused, I am lost, I am empty. When i read your word i don't feel anything as well. God. What is wrong? I feel so down, everything seems so blurred and dark. Oh my God, what can i do to make this stop?

God i want to cry, i want to give up, I just want to disappear. Nobody understands and I guess nobody will. My God please let someone understand. I want to lean on you but then, I can't hear you. God i know you're bigger than my problem. PLEASE let me go through this with you :( Why can't you hear my pleas? Why can't you hear my cries? Am i not your daughter? Oh God save me from this turmoil. I need you so much. WHy do you close your ears to me?

I know I am a sinner and I have sinned a lot, i did so many things that hurt you and i did not listen a lot before, and I am deeply sorry... God, i don't know what to do. My will is too weak, I'm too weak. Everything seems so hard for me. It's like i don't have a will of my own no more. Why am I so sensitive around spirits? God is this a gift? Thank you, but then i don't know how to handle it. What am i supposed to do my dear God?

Why am I like this? :( I see you reach out, how i wish i could just grab your hand. God, I'm slowly getting tired, sometimes I just want to be with you. :( Everything is meaningless, everything is just meaningless.

Entry 01 Twenty

I'm twenty and I am not growing any younger anymore.

When I was a teen I've always dreamt of starting young for God. I offered up my life to God, it wasn't perfect, but my heart was there. I wanted to live up my life for God in a young age. I gave up almost everything that was important to me. I gave up my collections of things that i love, I gave up several friends, I gave up opportunities for Him, i gave up my desire for a boyfriend, I gave up several things that i love to do. I gave up my comfort zone. I wanted Him to use me. I gave up so many things. I even came to a point into which i felt so empty, coz I've given up almost everything for Him.

Since i was thirteen years old, I've been praying to God. Asking Him to use me while I am still a teenager. I've always believed that He would use me in my teen life. I've always believed that He will use me in a young age. I've made sure that I do the right decisions, for Him to be able to use me to the fullest. He was never apart from me. I even came to a point that all i had was Him.

Now. I'm twenty.

Nothing really happened. I've lost it. I feel like a total failure. Not only did I fail to reach my dream, but now I am back to school, first year. My classmates are way younger than I am. I am back to papers, reports, and exams. I am back to university life. I was so ready to work, to earn, to make a change in this world; but no. God placed me back into school.

I have no idea what he wants me to do. I have no idea what is in His mind. I am having a tough time. I am crying inside almost everyday. I want to go out I want to do something for God. I want to live my life to the fullest. I thought God would use me in my young age. I thought God would use me in my teen life. I thought I could tell the world that "Hey! you can start young too just like me! Give your life to God! He will use you in ways you can never imagine, your teen life would never be the same!" But no. I can't say that anymore. I just can't…

I am twenty. I don't know what God has in stored for me. I know He is in control, but this is the lowest part of my life. I can never go back. I just can never go back…

Charice Pempengco. She has inspired me greatly. The first time i saw her in TV, i was seventeen or eighteen back then, i was like "I want to be something like that, to inspire teens that hey! they can start young!…" But now… I can't say that anymore :,(

I'm twenty. I'm twenty. Tell me. How am i to reach my dream of being used by God in a very young age? Tell me. Please don't compare my life with others who started in their thirties or fifties. I wanted to start young. Young Young Young! I gave up so many things and i am not regretting giving them up. I gave them up in love for God. But now. I feel like I am nothing. I feel lost. I feel discouraged.

People around me kept telling me that I am getting better at the things that I am doing. But is that really enough? I need God's grace. I can never reach my dream on my own… But then… Where is His grace? :,( I feel down in the mud. I feel like an outcast. I feel like I have to give up my dream as well; but if i give it up… what else do I have?